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If I Were a Moose, and You Were a Squirrel
By Harry Smothers
(Tune: "If I Were a Moose" by Fred Small)

If I were a moose, and you were a squirrel,
Would you do a loop and whirl?
A loop, a whirl, and a vertical climb,
And once again, we'd know it's time
If I were a moose, and you were a squirrel.

Would you watch me reach into my hat
And risk a lion, rhino, or bat
Would you lead me down to Veronica Lake
And boldly help this antlered flake?
Would you wince at what Bill Conrad says?
Please stay calm, it's just a phrase.
Or would you think the gods above
Had lost their minds in choosing Nell's love?

While Dudley's picking a bouquet,
Would you talk like June Foray?
Do you wonder, even now,
Why Jay and Bill didn't choose a cow?
There's lots of proper toons around,
Like that nice young boy Peabody found,
Or that last one, the rabbit on a horse --
On second thought, we could do worse.

But did you think this show would last?
Have you learned about Moosesylvania's past?
Would E.E. Horton get too mad
If Aesop Junior one-upped his dad?

If my antlers did not quite fit,
Would you make the best of it?
Would you rush in without fear
While I pull the door from off my ear?
Would Peachfuzz always get us lost;
Could you endure the snow and frost,
You know us moose are all the same --
We're lazy, we're stupid, we come from Minnesota.

It's true things slip a moose's mind
That squirrels remember all the time;
Bulbous nose and knobby knees,
A mind that harbors jokes like these.
But a moose can be a handy thing
When Badenov comes visiting.
In icy gust of winter storm,
Our house is buried, deep and warm.

And someday, when I tell a joke,
Would you just holler "Hokey Smoke"?
In dead of night, when the wild moose calls,
I'll lead you home to Frostbite Falls,
If I were a moose, and you were a squirrel.

If Fearless Leader means us harm,
How come nobody buys the farm?
With fairly tales and historical pokes,
Could you learn to love old moose jokes?

Would you survive if the network chose
To change our name to "That Moose Show"
If I were a moose, and you were a squirrel --
If you were a squirrel,
And I were a moose...

Written 1994 by Gerald L. Bliss (10/20).

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