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http://peacefulhippo.info/lyrics/Ifiwerea.htm
If I Were a Moose, and You Were a Squirrel
By Harry Smothers
(Tune: "If I Were a Moose" by Fred Small)
If I were a moose, and you were a squirrel,
Would you do a loop and whirl?
A loop, a whirl, and a vertical climb,
And once again, we'd know it's time
If I were a moose, and you were a squirrel.
Would you watch me reach into my hat
And risk a lion, rhino, or bat
Would you lead me down to Veronica Lake
And boldly help this antlered flake?
Would you wince at what Bill Conrad says?
Please stay calm, it's just a phrase.
Or would you think the gods above
Had lost their minds in choosing Nell's love?
While Dudley's picking a bouquet,
Would you talk like June Foray?
Do you wonder, even now,
Why Jay and Bill didn't choose a cow?
There's lots of proper toons around,
Like that nice young boy Peabody found,
Or that last one, the rabbit on a horse --
On second thought, we could do worse.
But did you think this show would last?
Have you learned about Moosesylvania's past?
Would E.E. Horton get too mad
If Aesop Junior one-upped his dad?
If my antlers did not quite fit,
Would you make the best of it?
Would you rush in without fear
While I pull the door from off my ear?
Would Peachfuzz always get us lost;
Could you endure the snow and frost,
You know us moose are all the same --
We're lazy, we're stupid, we come from Minnesota.
It's true things slip a moose's mind
That squirrels remember all the time;
Bulbous nose and knobby knees,
A mind that harbors jokes like these.
But a moose can be a handy thing
When Badenov comes visiting.
In icy gust of winter storm,
Our house is buried, deep and warm.
And someday, when I tell a joke,
Would you just holler "Hokey Smoke"?
In dead of night, when the wild moose calls,
I'll lead you home to Frostbite Falls,
If I were a moose, and you were a squirrel.
If Fearless Leader means us harm,
How come nobody buys the farm?
With fairly tales and historical pokes,
Could you learn to love old moose jokes?
Would you survive if the network chose
To change our name to "That Moose Show"
If I were a moose, and you were a squirrel --
If you were a squirrel,
And I were a moose...
Written 1994 by Gerald L. Bliss (10/20).
This item is protected under the CC BY-SA 4.0 license, also known as the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 4.0 International license. Click the link for licensing details.
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Twitter and the Musky Man
by Moss Bliss
from "Tweeter and the Monkey Man" by Bob Dylan/Traveling Wilburys
Twitter and the Muskey Man were bargaining in cash
They stayed up all night using Maryjane and hash
With an unnamed spammer who was sitting in the can
For reasons mercenary, Twitter loved the Musky Man
Twitter was a social network rolling in the dough
And Musk bid 40 billion with another 4 to go
He said he could push freedom to the daily Twitter fold
But balked when he found spammers might be more than what was told
[Chorus]
And the trolls came 'round, rising up from hell
All the racists and seditionists
Were putting out a smell
The corporate board of Twitter never liked the Musky Man
But they really liked his money, and they’ll take it if they can
Musky tried to back out, 'cause he didn’t like the deal
But they sued the Musky Man and they tried to make him squeal
The trolls and spammers went berserk, confirming they were slime
They crashed into the Twitterspace with racial slurs and whines
The judge looked at the Musky Man and said "You’re such a liar:
"If you don't complete the deal, your cash is goin' in the fire."
[Chorus]
Musky inked the deal, then canned the board and half the crew
Including all the coders who knew what he had to do
He found he fired too many and he tried to hire some back
But the managers complained that these guys' work was just too slack
The folks who got laid off started action as a class
They needed 8 weeks notice or the law would smoke Musk's ass
The Musky Man just laughed and said, that farm you all just bought
Cause anything is legal as long as you don't get caught
[Chorus]
With Twitter losing cash and advertisers out the door
The Musky Man could see his reputation hit the floor
He started charging money for what used to be secure
And the trollers all lined up to pay, and posted much manure
The normal users looked around and found that half were gone,
A million of them left the site and went to Mastodon
The Musky Man said, "Wait a minute, if you don’t return,
"I’ll just file for bankruptcy and watch my money burn."
[Chorus]
With Twitter hanging on for life, and income in the tank
Musk wants his subscribers now to make up half the bank
Humor is declared as safe - unless you roasting him
And parody you must declare or find you’re off the sim
It only costs 8 dollars to be certified as real
Enjoy your First Amendment rights, if right wing thoughts appeal
Impostors running rampant, many stocks are tanking fast
And please turn out the lights if you exit the site last
[Chorus]x2
First draft 11/14/22
This item is protected under the CC BY-SA 4.0 license, also known as the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 4.0 International license. Click the link for licensing details.
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3. |
All You Say Is Mau
01:50
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All you Say Is Mau
by Moss Bliss
from "All You Need Is Love", Lennon/McCartney
Nothing that you ever say but "mau"
Nothing that you ever do but "mau"
Only thing I ever understand of what you say
Is "Feed me!"
Nothing I can to feed your face
Nothing I can do to clean your place
Nothing can be done, but you just beg me one more time
To "Feed me!"
All you say is mau
All you say is mau
All you say is mau, meow
Mau is all you say
(Mau, mau, mau)
(Mau, mau, mau)
(Mau, mau, mau)
Every single day I clean your box
Twenty times a day you rub my socks
Every single hour, I can always hear you say,
"Feed Me"
All you say is mau
All you say is mau
All you say is mau, meow
Mau is all you say
First draft 2/2/22, second draft 2/7/22
Part of FAWM 2022
This item is protected under the CC BY-SA 4.0 license, also known as the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 4.0 International license. Click the link for licensing details.
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4. |
Lighter Side of MAD
04:13
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Lighter Side of MAD
Harry Smothers
(Tune: "A Whiter Shade of Pale" (Procul Harum))
We tripped the light Fantastic
But the big one hit the floor
Bill was feeling kinda Crypt-ic
But the crowd mailed off for more
Frank was humming ever harder
As the fold-in fell away
Yes, we flipped on to another page
While our parents turned to grey
Chorus:
And so it was that later
As Dave Berg was feeling sad
That his race became the joke-butt
In the Lighter Side of MAD
He said, "There is no reason,
And it sometimes even scans.
We just wander through our egos
And we live the aches and pans."
One of 13 "monthly" issues,
Plus the specials and the books.
And my wallet just stayed open
Through the cashier's dirty looks.
(Cho.)
Prohias wanted shore leave
Though, in truth, 'twas there to Spy
And the black guy had a looking glass
But the plot just wouldn't fly.
The best jokes were in the margins,
And in Jaffee's quick replies
Gaines and Elder, almost sadly,
Said that humor never dies.
(Cho.)
�
Written 1995 (10/14) by Gerald L. Bliss.
This item is protected under the CC BY-SA 4.0 license, also known as the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 4.0 International license. Click the link for licensing details.
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5. |
Reavers, Malcolm
04:01
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Lyrics are c. Larry Kirby
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6. |
All Used Up
02:48
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7. |
Delivery Delayed
03:36
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8. |
Safe in the Harbour
04:42
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11. |
Links on the Chain
04:19
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12. |
Hoof and Horn
03:59
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Hoof and Horn
by Harry Smothers
(Tune: "Herring Croon" by Gordon Bok)
(inspired by This Immortal by Roger Zelazny)
Where do you go, little faunus?
Where do you go, hoof-and-horn?
Hot place and glowing place
Lichens growing high
Hills a hundred miles deep
Where the dead men lie
Bat eyes and boar eyes
And they hunger after me.
When or where, I don't care,
Catch me if you can.
What do you fear, little faunus?
What do you fear, hoof-and-horn?
I fear the Man-place,
Stones over me
Cold, grey combing seas
Come to bury me
Giant jaws and sharper claws
And they hunger after me
Bat or stick, I am quick --
Catch me if you can.
Where do you dance, little faunus?
Where do you dance, hoof-and-horn?
I dance in secret place
In the hidden glade
Leaping high, bending low,
Through both sun and shade.
One time the piper calls
And my dance flows out from me.
When or where, I don't care,
Catch me if you can.
(Repeat first verse)
Written 1993 by Gerald L. Bliss.
This item is protected under the CC BY-SA 4.0 license, also known as the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 4.0 International license. Click the link for licensing details.
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13. |
First Christmas
05:18
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14. |
Bobby and Vincent
05:18
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15. |
Black Humor and Alcohol
02:42
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