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Third Time's the Charm

by Moss Bliss

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http://peacefulhippo.info/lyrics/Ifiwerea.htm If I Were a Moose, and You Were a Squirrel By Harry Smothers (Tune: "If I Were a Moose" by Fred Small) If I were a moose, and you were a squirrel, Would you do a loop and whirl? A loop, a whirl, and a vertical climb, And once again, we'd know it's time If I were a moose, and you were a squirrel. Would you watch me reach into my hat And risk a lion, rhino, or bat Would you lead me down to Veronica Lake And boldly help this antlered flake? Would you wince at what Bill Conrad says? Please stay calm, it's just a phrase. Or would you think the gods above Had lost their minds in choosing Nell's love? While Dudley's picking a bouquet, Would you talk like June Foray? Do you wonder, even now, Why Jay and Bill didn't choose a cow? There's lots of proper toons around, Like that nice young boy Peabody found, Or that last one, the rabbit on a horse -- On second thought, we could do worse. But did you think this show would last? Have you learned about Moosesylvania's past? Would E.E. Horton get too mad If Aesop Junior one-upped his dad? If my antlers did not quite fit, Would you make the best of it? Would you rush in without fear While I pull the door from off my ear? Would Peachfuzz always get us lost; Could you endure the snow and frost, You know us moose are all the same -- We're lazy, we're stupid, we come from Minnesota. It's true things slip a moose's mind That squirrels remember all the time; Bulbous nose and knobby knees, A mind that harbors jokes like these. But a moose can be a handy thing When Badenov comes visiting. In icy gust of winter storm, Our house is buried, deep and warm. And someday, when I tell a joke, Would you just holler "Hokey Smoke"? In dead of night, when the wild moose calls, I'll lead you home to Frostbite Falls, If I were a moose, and you were a squirrel. If Fearless Leader means us harm, How come nobody buys the farm? With fairly tales and historical pokes, Could you learn to love old moose jokes? Would you survive if the network chose To change our name to "That Moose Show" If I were a moose, and you were a squirrel -- If you were a squirrel, And I were a moose... Written 1994 by Gerald L. Bliss (10/20). This item is protected under the CC BY-SA 4.0 license, also known as the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 4.0 International license. Click the link for licensing details.
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Twitter and the Musky Man by Moss Bliss from "Tweeter and the Monkey Man" by Bob Dylan/Traveling Wilburys Twitter and the Muskey Man were bargaining in cash They stayed up all night using Maryjane and hash With an unnamed spammer who was sitting in the can For reasons mercenary, Twitter loved the Musky Man Twitter was a social network rolling in the dough And Musk bid 40 billion with another 4 to go He said he could push freedom to the daily Twitter fold But balked when he found spammers might be more than what was told [Chorus] And the trolls came 'round, rising up from hell All the racists and seditionists Were putting out a smell The corporate board of Twitter never liked the Musky Man But they really liked his money, and they’ll take it if they can Musky tried to back out, 'cause he didn’t like the deal But they sued the Musky Man and they tried to make him squeal The trolls and spammers went berserk, confirming they were slime They crashed into the Twitterspace with racial slurs and whines The judge looked at the Musky Man and said "You’re such a liar: "If you don't complete the deal, your cash is goin' in the fire." [Chorus] Musky inked the deal, then canned the board and half the crew Including all the coders who knew what he had to do He found he fired too many and he tried to hire some back But the managers complained that these guys' work was just too slack The folks who got laid off started action as a class They needed 8 weeks notice or the law would smoke Musk's ass The Musky Man just laughed and said, that farm you all just bought Cause anything is legal as long as you don't get caught [Chorus] With Twitter losing cash and advertisers out the door The Musky Man could see his reputation hit the floor He started charging money for what used to be secure And the trollers all lined up to pay, and posted much manure The normal users looked around and found that half were gone, A million of them left the site and went to Mastodon The Musky Man said, "Wait a minute, if you don’t return, "I’ll just file for bankruptcy and watch my money burn." [Chorus] With Twitter hanging on for life, and income in the tank Musk wants his subscribers now to make up half the bank Humor is declared as safe - unless you roasting him And parody you must declare or find you’re off the sim It only costs 8 dollars to be certified as real Enjoy your First Amendment rights, if right wing thoughts appeal Impostors running rampant, many stocks are tanking fast And please turn out the lights if you exit the site last [Chorus]x2 First draft 11/14/22 This item is protected under the CC BY-SA 4.0 license, also known as the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 4.0 International license. Click the link for licensing details.
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All you Say Is Mau by Moss Bliss from "All You Need Is Love", Lennon/McCartney Nothing that you ever say but "mau" Nothing that you ever do but "mau" Only thing I ever understand of what you say Is "Feed me!" Nothing I can to feed your face Nothing I can do to clean your place Nothing can be done, but you just beg me one more time To "Feed me!" All you say is mau All you say is mau All you say is mau, meow Mau is all you say (Mau, mau, mau) (Mau, mau, mau) (Mau, mau, mau) Every single day I clean your box Twenty times a day you rub my socks Every single hour, I can always hear you say, "Feed Me" All you say is mau All you say is mau All you say is mau, meow Mau is all you say First draft 2/2/22, second draft 2/7/22 Part of FAWM 2022 This item is protected under the CC BY-SA 4.0 license, also known as the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 4.0 International license. Click the link for licensing details.
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Lighter Side of MAD Harry Smothers (Tune: "A Whiter Shade of Pale" (Procul Harum)) We tripped the light Fantastic But the big one hit the floor Bill was feeling kinda Crypt-ic But the crowd mailed off for more Frank was humming ever harder As the fold-in fell away Yes, we flipped on to another page While our parents turned to grey Chorus: And so it was that later As Dave Berg was feeling sad That his race became the joke-butt In the Lighter Side of MAD He said, "There is no reason, And it sometimes even scans. We just wander through our egos And we live the aches and pans." One of 13 "monthly" issues, Plus the specials and the books. And my wallet just stayed open Through the cashier's dirty looks. (Cho.) Prohias wanted shore leave Though, in truth, 'twas there to Spy And the black guy had a looking glass But the plot just wouldn't fly. The best jokes were in the margins, And in Jaffee's quick replies Gaines and Elder, almost sadly, Said that humor never dies. (Cho.) � Written 1995 (10/14) by Gerald L. Bliss. This item is protected under the CC BY-SA 4.0 license, also known as the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 4.0 International license. Click the link for licensing details.
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Lyrics are c. Larry Kirby
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All Used Up 02:48
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Hoof and Horn by Harry Smothers (Tune: "Herring Croon" by Gordon Bok) (inspired by This Immortal by Roger Zelazny) Where do you go, little faunus? Where do you go, hoof-and-horn? Hot place and glowing place Lichens growing high Hills a hundred miles deep Where the dead men lie Bat eyes and boar eyes And they hunger after me. When or where, I don't care, Catch me if you can. What do you fear, little faunus? What do you fear, hoof-and-horn? I fear the Man-place, Stones over me Cold, grey combing seas Come to bury me Giant jaws and sharper claws And they hunger after me Bat or stick, I am quick -- Catch me if you can. Where do you dance, little faunus? Where do you dance, hoof-and-horn? I dance in secret place In the hidden glade Leaping high, bending low, Through both sun and shade. One time the piper calls And my dance flows out from me. When or where, I don't care, Catch me if you can. (Repeat first verse) Written 1993 by Gerald L. Bliss. This item is protected under the CC BY-SA 4.0 license, also known as the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 4.0 International license. Click the link for licensing details.
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released June 17, 2023

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